Wedding Paranoia

My brother is married! It is so hard to believe that he really did it, and even that he’s old enough to be married already. I have to say one thing though, I love love love his new wife! I think he made a really good choice for himself, and I really hope they are going to be happy together for the rest of their lives. It’s hard to believe I have a new sister, a brand new family member, but I couldn’t be happier. I’ll have to get out my camera and maybe post a picture of her wedding dress, it was one of the prettiest I have ever seen. Very girly and very beautiful.

So why is the title of this blog wedding paranoia? Well, because sitting there watching that wedding, and then talking to my cousin who is planning hers… then looking at ALL of my other cousins who are married with children… made me almost feel sick to be the “divorced” one. I immediately started talking to G about when we were going to tie the knot, and why he hasn’t asked me to marry him yet, etc. I am surprised that he didn’t go running for the hills! What is it about weddings that make almost every single girl in attendance start to feel as though their lives are incomplete? It amazes me that just simply being there and watching someone else make that choice pulls all this incredible pressure down on me along with feelings of uncertainty.

Somehow, I am programmed to believe that happiness and success are defined by things like marriage, children, and a successful career. When I sit down and think about it, I know that I don’t even believe that those things lead to happiness in most cases, but still I feel the pressure, like it or not. I look around and many of my married friends who have kids are unhappy with their choice, feel underappreciated or unloved. Several of my friends have been cheated on, but they stay married because it makes them look happier and more successful than being divorced ever could, in their eyes. I hate that these images of marriage and children are so incredibly important to us as women that it actually makes us feel less successful just because we don’t have them. We are almost taught that it is better to be married than it is to be happy.

The other thing I noticed is that unless you have the holy trinity of happiness (marriage, children AND a successful career), family members and others will be sure to hound you about the one you are missing and tease you about it until you feel like complete shit. To the married mother who has no job? “Nice to see you putting that fabulous degree to work on those poopey diapers! Hahaha!” To the divorced woman with kids and a very successful career? “Are you seeing anyone special these days? Anyone is bound to be better than that last one! Hahahaha” And what about the married woman with a good career but no kids yet? “Tick Tock, you know. You aren’t getting any younger!” There’s no end to the pressure women put on other women to get these three forms of success.

And what do they say to me? The divorced woman with no kids and technically no job? A combination of all of those things, really. I am the one they can all look down on as a failure simply because I don’t have those three things by which most women measure success. It isn’t easy to escape from those pressures and that brain-washed existence that you grew up in… but I will tell you that I have discovered this truth: We define our own happiness. I am successful and I am daring to live out my dreams and reach for something that most people are too scared to ever attempt. They can look down on me as not having what they have, but in my heart I know the truth about my life. My life is finally heading in the right direction, and I know that means I am a success.