The Muse

For some strange reason, I lay down to sleep at night and suddenly all of these ideas about what I’m writing will come to me. Almost every night I get some new idea about something I’m working on or want to work on. I know that simply because of this, I should keep a notepad and pen on my nightstand. Most of the time I can remember my ideas in the morning, but who knows if I’m losing something great? I never actually remember falling asleep, so I suppose it’s possible that I lose the minute or so before that as well. What if my best ideas have gotten lost in the transition from waking to sleeping?

Last night, I couldn’t sleep at all. I laid in bed for over an hour with ideas coming at me like a freight train. This isn’t something I’m complaining about. Usually I fight it and toss and turn until sleep finally sweeps me away, but last night I decided to get up and write. Ideas were flowing easily and my pen was moving so fast across the paper. It was exhilarating. Finally around 3 AM, after several pages had been scratched out in my feverish handwriting, I gave in to the approaching exhaustion and went to bed.

In the morning light, I am more of a critic again. Not at all like last night’s muse-touched self. I am wondering if these ideas I wrote down are any good at all. There is a part of me that wants to believe that women out there will be able to closely relate to an almost 40 year old woman who wants to radically change her life. A woman who realizes that all her life, she’s done what other people expected of her, including getting married young and having a child. She’s been the typical woman in that she always gives so much of herself to others and rarely saves any time or energy for herself. Then, one day, she just snaps. She leaves it all behind and starts over, trying to find her life again and live it for herself this time instead of always acting the way she thinks she is expected to act. Then again, there is a part of me that thinks people will crucify her for leaving her kid behind. I am not sure I am a skilled enough writer to make them love her anyway and cheer her on.

I like the muse better than the critic. Maybe I should only write at night. Danielle Steel claims to write in 20 hour shifts once she gets started on her novels. She said she writes in her pajamas with her hair sticking up, only getting 4 hours of sleep, if that, until her first draft is done. I don’t know if I could write for that long without going insane, but maybe there’s something to be said about not stopping the flow once it has begun.