STOP Comparing Yourself
STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHER AUTHORS!!!
Seriously, stop.
I’m saying this for my sake as much as yours, believe me. And hey, maybe you don’t have this problem. Maybe you are a shining example of peace and happiness and self-love regardless of your sales numbers. If you are, I want to know your secret!
Most of us, though, are daily passengers on the comparison roller-coaster.
Why that book and not mine? Why did she get accepted for that program/ad/opportunity over me? My sales have completely disappeared and all my friends are hitting the New York Times bestseller list. I’m a loser. Should I switch genres and write what she’s writing? Everyone has bare-chested hot guys on their covers, should I rebrand my entire series? Will I ever be as successful as that other person? Am I doing everything wrong? Making all the wrong decisions? Why does everyone else make it look so easy??
These are the kinds of things I hear from authors every single day. Including myself.
In some ways, I wish I could be an island. I wish I could live in a little bubble or a cave somewhere, blissfully ignorant of how my books were doing compared to other people. I wish my days could consist only of fan mail, good reviews, and fun Facebook exchanges with people who love my books. I wish I could happily write the books of my heart without a care in the world about how many I’ve sold or how many the person who released her book the day before mine has sold.
But it just doesn’t work like that. I like having friends who are writers. I like talking to Indie authors in particular. They understand what I’m going through. They share ideas with me and help motivate me to bigger and better things. However, having Indie friends can be difficult. Especially when they’re doing worlds better than you and making loads more money. It’s not that I’m not happy for them. I’m cheering for them every step of the way.
The problem is that I can’t seem to help comparing myself to them. And when I look at my measly $3,000 in income this month compared to their $30,000, I start to doubt everything I am. I start to worry that I’m failing at this or that I’m slipping away into nothingness.
It’s not true, of course. It’s really just a matter of perspective. To some people, $3,000 a month would be a dream come true and here I am being an asshole for calling it “measly”. Hell, three years ago, I would have died if you told me I could make $3,000 a month writing books! But being close to a whole group of people who make that look like pocket change tends to distort perspective.
I’m lucky in that most of my friends who are doing better than I am are at least nice about it. They still cheer me on and believe in me whether I’ve had a big month or a small one. They never rub their earnings in my face (intentionally, anyway) and they never would say anything to purposely make me feel bad. No, I’m doing that to myself.
However, believe it or not, there are also authors out there who would purposely use their success as a weapon to tear others down. Someone in particular recently did everything in her power to make me feel about an inch tall. She insulted my writing and told me her sales numbers made her more important than me. Which is complete bullshit. I should have laughed in her face and shrugged it off, but I didn’t. Since I’m a highly emotional person who has been comparing myself to my peers all year, I let it get to me. I let it make me feel like less than what I am.
NOT ANYMORE.
Whether it’s a well-intending friend simply sharing information or a narcissistic drama queen with no soul, no one should have the power to make me doubt my success or my future. I’m the one giving them that power. I’m the one beating myself down all the time by comparing my situation and sales to those around me.
And I’m done. D.O.N.E.
I love writing. I love creating new worlds and new characters and getting to share them with fans who truly appreciate them and connect with my stories. Writing is what I want to do more than anything in the whole world. It makes me happy, and I’m not going to let anything steal that joy from me. Especially not my own insecurities or fears.
I have been extremely lucky and blessed in that I’ve been able to write for a living for the past three years of my life. And I really want to keep doing it forever.
If I could just write for the sake of writing–for the sake of art–it would take a lot of the pressure off. But the fact of the matter is that I need to make money doing this. I want to succeed. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be successful. The problem comes in when I start to want more so badly that I stop being happy and grateful for what I have.
There has to be a way to find balance. There has to be a way to strive for more and to write the very best stories I can, but still be happy with whatever success comes as a result of those stories. There has to be a way to be incredibly happy for my friends who are finding great success without letting it make me feel bad about myself when my sales are low.
So, how do I plan to do that? How do we learn to stop comparing ourselves to others (when it’s kind of human nature)? I don’t have all the answers, but here are 5 guidelines I’m going to use from now on:
1. Understand that you are MORE than just a sales rank. Your value as a writer/human is not in any way tied to the number of sales you have.
2. Separate yourself from anyone who tries to make you feel LESS. Any author/friend who tries to make you feel like you’re less of a writer simply because their sales are better or their reviews are better or they’re traditionally published or whatever, is someone who doesn’t really deserve to be in your monkey-sphere. Distance these types of people from your life in every way that makes sense for you.
3. Write what you love. This is so incredibly important. Chasing trends isn’t going to bring you happiness. If you’re a writer because you NEED to write, fulfillment will only come from telling the stories you need to tell.
4. Be patient. Being an indie author these days is like living life in the fast-lane. Books zoom out of obscurity and onto the bestseller lists over night. Genre trends change so fast it would make any reader’s head spin. But this isn’t a race with a clear beginning and end. Just because you don’t hit a list by the end of this year doesn’t mean you never will. Just because this one series isn’t selling a ton yet doesn’t mean it won’t catch on by the time you have three or four books out. Be patient. Keep writing.
5. Believe in yourself. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. Just do your thing. Always believe in yourself.
These are the five things I am going to focus on from now on. I’m going to write what I love, put my whole heart into my books and surround myself with people who love and support me. I’m going to make my own definition of success and stop worrying about how others define it. I’m going to stop comparing myself to others and remind myself on a daily basis that I’m pretty damn awesome just the way I am. In the words of one of my favorite poets, Erica Jong, I “declare myself for joy.”
I’m determined to make 2014 a year of balance and joy and amazing stories. Who’s with me?
<3
<3 you back :)
EEvery second of every day I do this. And it is hard not to. You want to jump and shout in happiness for your friends and at the same time wonder how bad you suck for not making the sales. Glad im not the only one struggling with this.
I completely understand this Adrianne. And it honestly doesn’t get any better even when you’re selling a lot. There will always be someone selling more! We have to find ways to find balance and happiness on our own terms, but it’s so hard!
“I love writing. I love creating new worlds and new characters and getting to share them with fans who truly appreciate them and connect with my stories. Writing is what I want to do more than anything in the whole world. It makes me happy, and I’m not going to let anything steal that joy from me. Especially not my own insecurities or fears.”
Exactly this, Sarra. You’re amazing. I <3 you big time!!!
<3 you too RaShelle! I think you're pretty amazing too.
Terrific statement! I have a feeling this is something traditional authors struggle with too since i’ve seen similar posts in that world. This is a post for all authors and people in the arts where their soul and heart is bared in their work.
Yes! I think it’s true for all arts, you’re right. I keep thinking about Eminem saying “Quit worryin’ bout what they do and do Shady” haha. Even musicians and probably actors and models all face this. It’s universal.
I’m with you!! I still can’t believe someone insulted you and made you feel less than. I’ve always admired the way you conduct yourself and your super awesome indieness. Time for us to lift each other up instead of tearing each other down. 🙂
Yes! I knew we were kindred spirits. We definitely need to start lifting each other up. AND lifting ourselves up! Rock on.
I’ve been writing since 2002, so this strikes a cord with me more than you’ll ever know. Staying on the path is hard when you look at the people around you who’ve only been writing for a year or two and they’re landing their dream agents and/or making mad money. I’ve asked myself one too many times, “What the heck is wrong with me?” or “What am I doing wrong?” Better yet, “I must be the unluckiest person on the planet.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed about being able to make a living from my writing and I’m still praying that same prayer (or rather, version 1,539 of it).
With that said, I think #2 was is the best thing that has ever happened to me. That’s why I’m so cautious about who my writer friends are and very protective of them. Also, I’ve embarked on another genre love of mine. Sci-fi. I released three books so far (under a new pen name) and I’m having a blast, even if my numbers don’t reflect it. I’m doing what I love (point #3). I just need to practice #4 more, since I tend to get it mixed up with stubbornness. 🙂
Exactly. It’s so difficult, but it’s something we really have to work on every day or it will consume us! Thank you for sharing your side of the story. (Ooh, and what’s the sci-fi pen name? I need it!)
So well put. Completely true.
Thank you Alyssa!
I’m with you! 🙂 Wonderful post. I’m sorry someone tried to tear you down, but I’m glad you rose above it.
I’m also glad you realize 3k a month is an amazing accomplishment and some of us *cough cough* would be THRILLED to be that successful.
Thanks Karen. I love that your writing what you love post came out today too. I really need to go back and link to that! It was brilliant!
What a wonderful smart and brilliant post! Sometimes our own worst enemy is ourselves. Good luck to you!!
Thanks Nancy. And it’s so true. Our own fears and worries and doubts are often the only thing holding us back!
Oh my Gosh I LOVE YOU! Can I hang this up? Make it a poster? Wake up to it IN MY FACE ON MY CEILING? Good job! I want to follow it.
Wow! Carly Phillips just commented on my blog?? Hehe. I’m having a fangirl moment here! *fans self* And see, if someone with your level of success even struggles with this, it just proves my point that it’s all about perspective!
And what’s funny is that I honestly did think yesterday that I should really make a few posters about this and put them all around my house. It’s the kind of thing that’s easy to get motivated about and realize, but that goes straight out the window the second you see another brand new author hit the Top 100 with their first book, haha.
Hopefully we can all encourage each other and remind each other of this often. 🙂
I am with you! I’ve been thinking the exact same thing lately – 2014 needs to be a year of balance, joy and, for me, sanity. I want to enjoy writing again, because this past year it’s felt more like work. *shudders* And the only way we can enjoy it is to follow your guidelines, especially write what you want to write and stop comparing ourselves. I wish I could add more, but you did a pretty good job with your guidelines. And I’m with Carly Phillips – I want this as a poster. 🙂 BTW, whoever tore you down is obviously struggling with their own insecurity issues and probably other problems, too, if they felt the need to do that. I know you know that in your head, but try to remember it with your heart.
Rats. Guess I’m going to have to quit comparing myself to that literary giant Snoopy.
Good article, but I gotta go because it’s a Dark and Stormy Night.
You are so accurate in your description of what I think many of us go through on a daily basis. I am euphoric for about five minutes after a book goes out. After that I am consumed with self-doubt and torment. Will it sell? What if my readers are disappointed? Did I go to far, not far enough? Did I catch every grammatical error? Did my editor miss anything? Good grief, can’t I just be proud for more than five minutes of my accomplishment? I love your guidelines and will post them above my desk. Thank you for being honest and forcing me to be a little more honest with myself. Stevie
Those people making $30,000 a month are probably stressing about being able to maintain those kinds of sales. I guess we all have something to beat ourselves up over. Thanks for the reminder of something I keep trying to tell myself. It’s a relief to know that even the people I see as being wildly successful are struggling with the same doubts I am.
the thing I have loved the most about goodreads and these blogs is hearing from authors that they’re having the same problems as me… it does suck having to read such great books and worrying that I’ll never be as good… or seeing my friends making sales when mine is going nowhere… but I know sometimes it’s just the luck of the draw… it’s hard sometimes to not compare… but sometimes it’s good to know we’re all so much alike 😀